*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!