The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
sry
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.