me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
They’re called werewolves.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.