me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.