This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
accurate
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
when you are just born a rebel
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.