Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Wake me when AI does housework
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
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