Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
crochet youtube is brutal
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Sponch
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.