I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?