All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
This is a whole mood;
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Carpe DM
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*