*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?