A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
good work, detective
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.