Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour