When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
LOL
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!