Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants