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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Um … Hot Wings please
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Bond. Trauma bond.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.