Um … Hot Wings please
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MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*