Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My Sentiments Exactly
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes