According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
this is the most humiliating day of my life
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.