According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?