i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend