Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Seems kinda suspicious
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?