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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.