[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
British websites use biscuits.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
They’re not wrong
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing