Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
still the best tweet of the year by far
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.