CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
OH. COME. ON.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”