It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room