My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.