Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Danger is very dangerous
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
😎 🍻
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Important
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a