Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
courtroom exchange of the day
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else