Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Breaking news:
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
How animals would run if they were human
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.