My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”