smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
You better watch out
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have