Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?