ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car