I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*