ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.