Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.