don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
3% human
97% stress
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.