[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Shower sex be like:
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total