I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
You Might Also Like
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.