I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.