It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I bet
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I will never stop laughing at this
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny