To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”