Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.