‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
just having fun
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.