I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.