shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”