Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school