me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…