me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
how to market bottled water to dads
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
(Jupiter –
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.