me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.


Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….


We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.


Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.


don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather


“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!