@notmythirdrodeo

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

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@jwoodham

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

@Tbone7219

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@NikiWithIssues

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

@LeahsLounge

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@thatdentaldude

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!