Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

DOOO EEEET

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??