Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.