Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
mentally somewhere in italy
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.