Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
You better watch out
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of