Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
You Might Also Like
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
The devil.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Baking is just science you can eat.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
