Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no