Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Easy enough.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)