Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope